There may be a few people who have seen my last question, on weather you liked my story idea. Well here's the prologue.
Prologue:
Katie's father pulled the car to a stop at the top of the driveway, right in front of the garage. He sat there for a moment, his hands clenched tightly on the steering wheel.
"This is it. Out first little child. A baby girl." He said, his eyes sparkling as they started to water.
The mother turned to stare at Katie in her car seat. "Oh, yes. Our angel," She replied, a weak slur in her voice. "When is my chemotherapy? I was about to assume that they'd give it to me almost as soon as she was born."
"They said it's going to be in a couple weeks. February 29th. I know it's hurting you, since you didn't get any of the therapy at all during those 9 months, but just hang in there. It's only 2 weeks."
"I'm not sure I can wait that longer. My body's been taken over by this breast cancer." The mother reached up to scratch her balding head.
The man just sat there, his hands starting to sweat from holding the steering wheel so long, and the happy tears for his new daughter turning into sad ones for his very sick wife.
"Carrie, it's going to be okay." He whispered. "If it gets that bad we'll call an ambulance."
Then, as if the conversation was getting too emotional, he got out of the car, slammed the door, and grabbed the handle of the car seat. He smiled at the delicate little child, and walked around to the other side of the driveway, then helping the mother out.
He walked her up to the front door, unlocked it with his key, and stepped inside the cozy home. Instantly, the telephone rang.
"I'll get it!" The mother said, taking off her shoes. She walked over and answered it "Hello?" She said into the mouth piece.
The father set down the car seat and unwrapped Katie from the blanket. He tried to listen in but couldn't hear the fast speaking of the person on the other end.
"What? No, no, I'm...well, of course, okay, I'll tell him...what? No, absolutely! Okay, goodbye." The mother, set the phone back down, and leaned on the edge of the counter, trying to steady herself. Her eyes got wide and welled up with tears, fast.
In a shaky tone she said, "Jackson, they need you at war."How do you like my story?
I have an issue with the mother saying she's not sure she can wait any longer for chemo. I just doesn't seem like something someone in that position would say. My mother had breast cancer and the chemo made her incredibly sick. And the chemo is what makes people go bald not the cancer. The mother doesn't interact with the baby in a way that a woman who has sacrificed herself by forgoing 9 months of treatment for this child would. There doesn't seem to be any emotional connection between them at all. I also don't think they'd let a woman with cancer who has just had a baby out of the hospital.
It all just seems a little emotionally detached to me.
this is wonderful. i want to read more and id honestly read this if it were a published book. i have a question though-- does the mom die from cancer while the dads at war?How do you like my story?
yes it is very good! if u finish the rest if the story, plz email it to me at: priincezz_karina16@yahoo.com. i would love read the rest!!! good job :)
I was kind of confused when reading. I didn't know who was talking. Fix your pronouns.How do you like my story?
Good concept, but your writing is...average.
No comments:
Post a Comment