Alright, this IS a dog related question, but it is also another type of question so please hear me out.
I have a friend who was a former client. Note to anyone interested...never take on friends as clients because it never works. Anyway, said friend has used me for pet sitting which, up until recently I've had no qualms about doing for free given she's a friend. HOWEVER, she has recently moved into a horrible apartment area where the cops were called on ME just for being there by nosy neighbors. Needless to say I'm a little less than thrilled about this arrangement. She works odd hours, and frankly we've had the discussion that she has no time for her dog, and that even with my taking care of him, he's not getting the care and attention he needs, etc. She won't listen.
NOW, I just received a phone call from a local Greyhound Rescue that I'm familiar with stating that said friend has put my name down as a reference for her to adopt a Greyhound. I CANNOT give her a good reference for many reasons. 1. Her current living situation is NOT suitable for the dog she has, let alone another dog. 2. Her financial situation leaves her barely able to take care of the dog she has, let alone another dog. 3. She will expect me to work with the dog on behavior issues because this one does, 4. Her dog has escaped a few times, and I've had to come with my trained dog to track him down. 5. She is going to expect me to care for the second dog as well as her first FOR FREE since she doesn't have time for the dogs. I COULD GO ON, but I digress.
Here is my problem. Should I talk to her first to explain WHY I cannot give her a good reference, and tell her to find another reference, and to reiterate that I will NOT pet sit for her if she gets another dog...or should I just go ahead and give my honest reference to the rescue group, and if she asks just tell her I told them the truth? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm shocked that she's let everything I've told her go in one ear and out the other when it comes to her dog, her living situation, and my sentiments on all of it. As a professional I feel I should give the reference to prevent her from adopting the dog because I feel it would NOT get the care a rescue dog needs, but the friend in me wants to try and talk to her first...then there's the evil third wheel in my head that says..."you know she's not going to even listen to you."
What would you do in this situation. A little history on her is that she's a very depressed and needy person, she's bad with money, makes poor life decisions, she asks for help then shoots down all answers or possible solutions to problems, and just wants everyone to pay attention to her, pitty her, and do things for her without being willing to do anything in return. Shitty friend I know, but I'm afraid she may off herself and don't want that on my conscious...enough is enough...I need a third party opinion on this one because I can't seem to get straight answers from the two other people in my life who know this friend and the current situation.|||- Don't give her a reference, good or bad with the rescue. Let them make their own decision.
- Tell her why to her face.
- Stop looking after her dog, follow through and don't do it again.
- Tell her to seek help.
- Quit associating with leeches like that.
People like that never off themselves, they wouldn't be able to bask in the attention and pity that would come with it.|||If she can't take great care of the dog she owns now, there should be no reason she should get another dog. It's going to be put in the same situation as the current dog. I would just give the rescue group your honest answer.|||I would tell her flat out. Who cares if she likes it or not, doesn't sound like she would be someone you should miss.|||You are already enabling this so called friend. If she's going to *off* herself it will not be because of you. Tell the rescue that she is not a suitable home.....period. If you lie, you are only making things TRIPLE worse for you, her, and another possible dog. You sound like an honest person, so be one. I personally wouldn't talk to her about anything. Just tell the rescue what you know, and when she gets turned down, she won't know the reason why. Ask that rescue to please just tell her that she wouldn't be a good candidate at this time and to leave YOUR conversation about the whole thing out of that conversation.
I have a friend who has some issues too, but I will not lie or degrade my own ethics, just to please her.|||From what i have read, it sounds like you have it all sorted out. You have listed all the bad things and why she should NOT get another dog. You know the dog will suffer, so give the honest reference and when she asks why she didn't get the dog, try and explain it from your point of view as you have done here.
Good luck! :)|||It sounds like you have already talked to her and been ignored, so I dont think you need to talk to her again.
I would tell the rescue the truth, that you dont think she has the time or living situation for another dog. Just be diplomatic, since you dont know how much of what you say will be passed on to her by the rescue.
If she gets angry and breaks things off with you, then it really doesnt sound like much of a loss....she sounds like more of a user than a friend.|||I think you already know the answer. You should I just go ahead and give an honest reference to the rescue group. It's sad that your friend is needy and depressed, but you are not doing her any favors by lying about the situation. If she can't handle one dog, the stress of two would be terrible (for both of you).
"but I'm afraid she may off herself and don't want that on my conscious..."
You are not responsible for her decisions. If she does kill herself, that would be terribly sad, but it is not YOUR doing. You can jump through only so many hoops until you realize that nothing you do really makes a difference in the end. You've helped her a lot, but the rest is up to her.
Be aware that if she finds out you told the truth about her situation, you may lose her as a "friend". If that happens, just remind yourself that she isn't a friend if she makes that kind of decision. You've done more than most people would, and if she doesn't appreciate that, then she isn't someone you want in your life.
Bless you for all you've tried to do for her. Hopefully she can turn her life around, but if not...wish her well and let go....for your own sake, so she doesn't drag you down with her.|||Honestly? Tell the rest the truth and if she asks tell her the same and why. After that I would cut all ties with this woman. If she commits suicide it has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with her own issues that she refuses to deal with and get help for.
She has you to lean on and you've always helped of course its gone in one ear and out the other.|||You can talk to her if you want and tell her you won't be pet sitting or working with her dog anymore. Then I'd give an honest reference to the Greyhound rescue. If your at the end of the friendship, it won't matter anyway. Obviously, she doesn't need another dog, and it would be cruel to let another dog be placed with her. You are not responsible for the poor decisions she makes, and she has taken advantage of you. Since you have already told her you're not pet sitting for her anymore, there's no reason not to give a truthful answer when asked for a reference. I wouldn't bother explaining to her what kind of reference you give. If she is going to off herself because she doesn't get another dog, then she has serious issues already that you're not responsible for.|||I'm not sure if I totally understand the situation, but I would just tell the rescue the truth. If you don't want to be taking care of ANOTHER one of her dogs (since you continue to take care of the one she has), don't enable her to get another one...|||I would call her and tell her you are not going to be able to give her a reference for the rescue that called and if she asks. tell her all of this again. then call the rescue and tell them the truth about her.
On a side note if she chooses to "off herself" that is on her and not you. She is not a friend but a responsibility for you. Its time to move on to other friends as she is toxic to you and her pets.|||I understand where you are coming from trust me. I have a friend that is simlar to yours. I keep in contact with her because I love her dogs to death, and a specialy one of her dogs, this dog loves the hell out of me and has known me for over 5 years and I have been with this friend for that long.
I would honestly give the resuce the reference because honestly do you want another dog in her hands? What you need to do is to be there for the dog nothing else, I wouldn't call her or talk to her very often, because she causes you so much stress, and that she takes and takes, when she figures out that your not calling her and not home when she shows up then she might get the idea that she needs to back off (MIGHT).
And if she does get another dog and asks you to dog sit tell her that you are going to charge her what ever you charge per dog for the time she wants you to watch the dogs. I wouldn't do it for free anymore, and I wouldn't do it at her home. I would ask her to bring the dog or dogs to your home so it is easier for you in the long run.
And yes friendship suppose to be mutually beneficial.
But you might want to just give up the friendship but that is up to you, but you can look at it this way she can become a client and have to pay to have you watch her dog or dogs. But please don't let her get another dog do what is right for the dogs safty. And if she wonders why she didn't get the dog and asks you if you would know tell her because I told them your situation and that you are not capable to handle another dog since you don't even have the time for the one you got. Be honest to both partys. Good luck.|||First talk to her, explain that you are not going to give her a good reference and tell her why. Also let her know that she needs to start talking care of her own dog, you are her friend, not her maid or mother, it is not your job to take care of things for her. And finally, be sure to explain that you would still like to be friends with said person, but she really needs to start taking responsibility for her own life and the things in it instead of pushing it off on others.|||I would call them and tell them just to make sure that she won't be able to add to her home.
I would cut all ties with her. Life is to short to put up with people you don't like.
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