What do you think of my story? ( chapter 2-4 )?

Chapter 2


Love Birds/ Love Doves


Vina





“Hey about the thing in class I wasn’t trying to embarrass you.” I said “ It’s nothing,” he replied. As I ate my sandwich I looked at him. He is so cute! I wish I knew more about him. I wish we had all our classes together. Sitting at the table with us were a couple of his friends and my friends. They were all talking about something else. “ Eyan?” I asked. “Ya?” he replied “ Well.. I need help in a subject.” I lied. “Which one?” he asked “ Pre Algebra .” I lied again. “ Sure. Meet me after school.” He said.


After school we met at the front doors. Turned out that we were in 3 classes together. I feel so happy. I went on the huge yellow bus. We sat in the very back. He showed me the variable and stuff like that. He stopped every 5 minutes to look at me and check on me, “ Are you okay?” he asked me ‘Ya… I’m okay.” I replied, We got to his house. We both locked eyes and went inside. His parents were home. What! C’mon! Really! the thoughts ran in my head. His dad rolled to us. He was in a wheel chair. “ Our boy bringing home his girlfriend on the first day of school.” His dad embarrassed him. “ Oh! Our boy! I can’t believe it your probably going to be married before 30!” His mom kept embarrassing him. “ Dad…Mom….Dad….MOM!” he yelled annoyed. “ She isn’t my girlfriend.” He said at “girlfriend” it sounded faint “ I’m tutoring her!” I giggled as his parents kept on talking. We went up to his room. It was simple. White walls, an computer, a big bed , a dresser , T,V , and a closet. He had up posters of sports and SNSD. “Who are they?” I asked hoping I didn’t annoy him. “ Oh. that’s SNSD. They are a Korean band. Aden told me to listen to them and they sound good.” he said “ He is in the next room.” “Your friend lives here?” I asked. “ No that’s my brother!” he exclaimed. “ Oh..” the words coming out of my mouth. I’m stupid! Of course its his brother! I thought. “ Next time why don’t we go to your house because my parents are embarrassing.” He said. “Sure.” I said. The next day at school we mostly spent time together. During class we passed notes and the teacher never found out. At lunch people kept calling us a couple but both of us told them that we weren’t a couple.


Chapter 3


Why do parents embarrass us?


Eyan


After lunch I headed towards pre algebra. I sat next to Vina. I helped her and that stuff. When it was time to go home I walked with her home. It was about 1 miles. We talked and talked. When we were at the door her parents opened the door. “ Vina Catherine Carine! Where have you been!” Her mother hollered so loud I thought my relatives in Mexico would of heard it. “ Mom we walked home.” she said quietly. “ Well who do we have here?” I heard her father say in a deep voice. Kind of like the Hulk’s. “ Who is this young man Vina?” “ Dad this is Eyan,” she introduced me “ He is going to tutor me in pre algebra.” “ Vina….Vina…. You always need help in pre algebra. As long as there is no trouble upstairs you can study together.” he demanded. “Thank you sir.” I said. We went to her room. Not what you would expect from an average girl’s room. It wasn’t filled with Justin Bieber and Twilight stuff. It wasn’t all pink. You can say that she is a tomboy. She had soccer posters up and more random stuff. We sat down on her red and green twin bed. The blankets felt softer than wool. After about 30 minutes we stopped. “ Eyan?” Vina asked. “ Ya?” I replied. “ I know we have only been in school for 2 days but.. Do you like anyone?” she asked. “ Ya I like all my friends.” I replied. She pushed me a little. “ No not that like stupid… I mean like someone you want to date.” she explained. “ Umm… no.” I lied. The reason why I didn’t want to tell her is that I don’t know how she feels. I just wish I could read her and know how she felt.|||Like I said in the other one its very cliche...





You need to put twists on the story that people would never expect. Make it cool and unexpected because right now its not good. Maybe it your writing style, but I don't like it..





Good luck :D|||Honestly, I don't like it. Too many romance novels, that suddenly end up the two charecters fall in love in short time. Not to mention 'ya' isn't the correct word. Yeah, yea, but not ya.